Meaning.

Fittingly after a blog post called "A Quick Blog On Studying", I've been studying lots. Hence the lack of updates. I have essays to write, it turns out. I have written about 4000 words; another 3000 to go this term. 1 IR essay finished (2000 words), 1 IR essay in process (1000 words in), 1 IR essay to go (total 2000 words), 1 Philosophy essay finished. And they say student life is a dos!!! (Well, okay, it is. As proven by the fact I've finished watching the entire first season of Prison Break, and been out a whole lot. But when it needs to be, it is intense!)

I want to just quickly say a couple of words about Philosophy. Actually, just one word: goodbye. You were fun while you lasted...

Somewhat melodramatic, I know. I did write a pretty good essay about what it is to be a consistent self, and its necessity for human social function, regardless of its truth. But in all honesty, I'm finding it all really pointless - nothing to do with the course (my lecturer is pretty amazing too), just my response to subject matter, I guess. In the words of B.B. King, the thrill is gone, baby. It's aloof, and that's not as fun as it used to be...

I do realise that this is in itself, a philosophy on philosophy, and I also realise I'm sounding somewhat Nietzschean (if not Utilitarian) when I talk about "meaning", a concept of "worth". And anyone who knows me knows I don't agree with these views at all. I am a firm believer in art for art's sake, as an end in itself. A work of art's worth is found in its beauty, not its use. And I can't stand Analytic Philosophy at all, because it says nothing. But it's probably that my interests have just changed. Let me illustrate, by telling you about some people.

Firstly, there is Gary. Gary lives by Brighton train station. By that, I mean, he lives usually by the railing outside the shop next to the train station, or on the pavement outside the pub opposite, until the Police move him on again. He's been homeless for about 6 months now, after getting in a row with his girlfriend, and the other morning, he woke up with bruises he didn't know how he got. But things are looking up. He's found a little bit of work with the Big Issue, and with a couple of hours left tonight till he can get enough money for some presentable shoes and for 5 copies of the Issue, things aren't looking so bad. A lot better than when I first met him a couple of weeks ago.

Then there is Mo, or Peter, to use his real name. I rushed past him outside Sainsbury's and ignored him because I needed to pee. The Holy Spirit convicted me at the urinal. I went outside and bought a copy, and just asked him how his day was going. It was going pretty bad. Across the road from Sainsbury's is a Subway, so I helped him across the street (he's on crutches with a broken foot) bought him a sandwich, and we chatted for about an hour about his family and his girlfriend, who'd just left the country. I couldn't do much, but I invited him to come to church the next day. I haven't seen him since, but he was a genuinely lovely guy, I really hope it's okay. He seemed really eager to come. He'd tried to kill himself that week.

Then there's Dan. I met him outside the bus stop one night. He didn't have enough money to get the bus, but he thought he'd get on anyway. He's got a small flat out in the sticks, but he cant work, because he was in a road accident 5 years ago that left him unable to move easily (both feet severely damaged). He can't claim compensation because it was hit and run. I asked if it was okay to pray for him, and he told me about his family and asked me to pray for them too. So we did.

Some facts about homelessness:
1. There are some people who do choose to become homeless. They can't stand being inside 4 walls, they like the freedom being in a big city, they can change the people they live with easily, and they can adapt to the cold. Nobody I've spoken to said that this was them, but a few have mentioned they knew people that this was true for. Didn't know that.
2. Brighton's not a bad place to be homeless. Most days, you won't starve - in a city this big, there'll be some project or something going on in the evening. In the summer, it's quite pleasant, although obviously in the winter it gets harder.
3. You can't stay in a hostel unless you have "connections" - either you have direct blood relatives in the city, or have been "spotted" for about 5 years. This is a major issue, as Brighton and London are the two biggest places where people move to to be homeless (it's easier here than in other cities).
4. Most homeless people are really good people, facing horrible situations. I don't condone every lifestyle choice the people I've met have made, but the fact is people have made worse choices and been better off. It's nothing they deserve, per sé. Most are at the least genuinely friendly.

Sandy, I met at Friend's First, which is the Church's homeless outreach project on Monday nights. Sandy is a dude, straight, lovely, just likes to cross-dress. He was very gentlemanly, we had a good conversation. And Jesus loves him. He's on the Alpha course, and for more than the free food. He's genuinely interested, and made a lot of friends at CCK. He's just recently found a place to stay for the next 6 months or so.

The point of all this? This is what I'd rather be doing. By far. Meeting people. Helping wherever I can, building genuine relationships. Acting justly, loving mercy, walking humbly with my God. This is much much much much much more meaningful, for me, than sitting in a dark room at 9am on a Tuesday morning debating Cartesian dualism. There are more pressing matters at hand, surely.

And yes, IR as a discipline is just as self-involved, academic and impractical. But that's fine. It's a tool. It's a degree that will help me in the future to act justly in whatever career path I go down. And it touches on important issues, which means I can put up with it more than Philosophy. So next term, I'm doing a module in Development Studies, and, for at last 6, 8 months, I won't be doing Philosophy.

End.

A Quick Blog on Studying

So, admittedly, the vast majority of what I've posted on here thus far hasn't been very journalistic or descriptive at all. Of course, you could probably infer where I'm at or what I'm thinking, but still. Time for a non-theological-focused update.

I need to tell you about Fridays, because Fridays are the best. Here's what happens: with no impeding reading deadlines for the next day, I am free to focus on and read whatever I want. So, after my 10am seminar, I travel into Brighton, do a li'l window shopping, grab a li'l lunch, and go from coffee shop to coffee shop to read, when the beach gets too cold for work. This is probably the real reason I've started writing essays early-ish: it's still warm enough to work in front of the sea. Got about 1,000 words done by the pier before it got too cold. So, now I'm in a vegetarian coffee shop in North Laine now, listening to Bob Dylan over the stereo and reading JS Mill. I. Am. Home.

Work is interesting, but challenging. For philosophy, I've given up forming a genuine opinion on anything and have figured I'll get best marks for playing Devil's advocate. So, the crux of my argument is that we can't really ever define what it is for A to be a different person from B, we have no empirical basis for selfhood, but that doesn't matter. In the Nietzschean sense, truth is irrelevant, what matters is its use, and we can't do without a sense of self: if people weren't consistent selves, relationships would be meaningless. Of course, there IS truth, and, of course, Nietzsche was an idiot. But, it's easier to make this argument than to try and reason for the existence of the self. So, whatever.

In IR, the opposite is true. It's MUCH easier to be rational than to try to defend an indefensible position. I tried taking an extreme Marxist route... it was too much effort, so I went back to what I actually thought. Reassuring.

So, I'm sitting happily content in North Laine. The sea helps me think clearly; vegetarian cappuccino helps me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and free wi-fi helps me waste all my time. Awesome.

Life is good.

The Human Heart As My Functional Saviour.

"If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth can't be in us. But if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness".
(1 John 1:8-9)

Thought I'd share a little revelation I had today, and something I have to repent of. I have a tendency not to rely on Jesus' finished work for my right standing with God. Instead, I rely on how I feel about Jesus' finished work. Thus, my "saviour" can't be Jesus, but my feelings. This simply cannot do.

I think to an extent we all do. Here's the scenario: We sin. We hate, we slander, we gossip, we worship other things, we lie, we lust, we whatever. This is natural fact, this isn't in contention. But, it happens, and the tendency is to feel rubbish, guilty, condemned, convicted before God. We are suddenly made aware of our sin, and we repent before God, which is right. But we then don't really feel any better until we "feel" forgiven. It may be that we feel a rushing sense of forgiveness, it may be that we feel happy, but we identify a feeling with being forgiven. This is stupid.

Time and time again, the Bible tells us that we are under grace, not law, that we stand cleansed by the blood of Jesus, not through our own efforts. We see this even in the Old Testament: Joshua the high priest being accused and instead being robed with white in Malachi; even in Deuteronomy, God tells Israel, "it's not because of your righteousness". I am forgiven, regardless of whether I feel it particularly.

This dangerous. First, it leads to false repentance. The first of Luther's 95 Theses said that the Christian life was one of constant repentance, and I we happen to wake up one day feeling really, really forgiven... that doesn't make me any less of a sinner, or my efforts any less than a filthy rag, nor lessen my need for repentance. I am forgiven, but I need to approach God in humility, acknowledging the fact I can and will mess up, and ask for a change of heart. If I feel good enough already, this becomes redundant, as I won't need to keep my life in check so long as I trust in my arbitrary feelings. This in turn, leads to a works-based thing: I do X because X makes me feel holy before God. This is not only dangerous, but really, really stupid. It's self-deception, that anything I do can put me right with God. And above all, it's replacing Jesus with whatever I do to make me feel happy again. Whether it's the first 3 tracks of Matt Redman's Facedown album, or a favourite Bible verse... these things are awesome, don't get me wrong, and useful because the Psalmist says a LOT we need to keep reminding ourselves, our souls need to wake up... these things don't make me holy. These things point me to my saviour, they do not save me. If I use them as good luck charms to make me feel sanctified, to make me feel better about myself, rather than trusting in the fully objective, fully accomplished, fully transcendent, fully unbreakable, fully irreversible, fully covering work of the Cross, then, it's not only dangerous but pathetically stupid. And still, how easy it is to base our salvation on us: on how we think of ourselves, on how we feel about it, etc, etc.

So, here's a list of things that the work of Jesus are bigger than, and thus, really not subject to whatsoever:

• my feelings / emotions / perception
• reason / logic
• time
• space
• heights
• depths
• life
• death
• anything else in all creation...

Hopefully, that should be clear.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

What A Week (I Know It's Only Thursday).

The President-elect is Barack Obama. Anyone surprised?

I'm sorry Mum. I stayed up till 4am on Tuesday night. The plan was, go to East Slope bar till about maybe 1. But then, they still hadn't called Ohio, and Ohio was my state to watch. So I stayed up for Ohio, which was called officially at about 3, and by then, Obama was on 207, so I thought I''d stay up till I knew for sure. In my defence: (a) I'm an IR student, I'm excused; (b) it's a historic moment, my sleep can wait!; (c) I got up juuuust fine for my 11am seminar the next day, so it's was all good.

Really exciting though! Kinda. Halfway through the day, I did remember the whole abortion issue. Now, 6 months ago, I was sufficiently liberal to (to my shame) be pro-legalised-abortion, on the grounds that it is one of those things that sadly will always be in demand, and by forcing it back into backalleys, the health risks are far, far, far more severe. But, lately, no, I disagree. Or, it should be limited to extreme cases. It is the ending of life - not just life-potential - thus, I can't morally accept it. So, it was a bittersweet victory. I'm glad the Republican dynasty out, and it isn't a single-issue election, and I genuinely believe Obama is more God-honouring in welfare than McCain - the call in Micah to shut up singing worship songs and serve the poor rings very true - "and what does the Lord require from you? To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God". That is not a Democrat/Republican thing, it's not contingent on whether you're a progressive or conservative, it is God's command to all. So, do it.

The other reason I'm hesitant: the hype. Don't get me wrong, I've been following this daily for near on a year now, I've been excited for this for as much as anyone. BUT Obama is a politician. He is not the messiah. I'm cautious to get caught up wholly in the idea of "change". Until Jesus comes, we will have imperfect politics, imperfect power, imperfect states and imperfect leaders. Maybe Obama will be an agent of peace, maybe he will stabilise and stop the war in Iraq, maybe he will diffuse the Iranian situation mounting, maybe he will fix the economy, maybe he will cut carbon emissions drastically, maybe he will help aid peace in the Middle East, maybe he can change Russia. He will still be a flawed man. Obamamania is revealing: people want salvation, people want atonement for economic and political sins, people want change, people want righteousness, and they believe it's in Obama (just as we did for Blair in 97, I am told?). Shows the nature of the human heart is an awareness of the need of salvation.

Aaaaaanyway. The rest of my week. The night after that was bonfire night, so I had the weirdest night ever in Lewes. It's basically pyromaniacs heaven, there's a missive bonfire, loads of processions through the high street with people holding.. well, lots of fire. Everything's on fire. Flares being set off. One procession was burning crosses, which, in fairness was meant to be an anti-Papal sentiment, sure (apparently Lewes was a massive place for the Reformation), but seemed a little too KKK for comfort. Besides, that always confused me: surely the cross is just as, if not more, of an important symbol for Protestants than for Catholics??? Oh well.

Aside from that, it's getting into the nitty gritty. Can't believe it's the end of Week 5 already. Essays are being planned and read for. Lots of reading. But also lots of worship leading. I led at CU on Monday, CU prayer meeting the last few Wednesdays and at small group tonight. I've lead more frequently since I've got here than when I left, which is awesome! God's giving me grace and the ability to lead a few times a week, whereas I used to find it stressy leading 2 weeks in a row. It all comes down to knowing Him more I guess. Small group is brilliant - I'm amazed at the way God's set me up around such good godly dudes, who are such fun but also challenging. Good stuff is to come!!!

Anyway, bed beckons.