Week 9 Blues (And Radiance)

I have no idea how I coped with full terms last year. It's nearly the end of week 9, and I am so sleepy, it's crazy. Maybe it's because I haven't actually been home since before the New Year, but I'm nearly ready to be home, even if that means sleeping on a sofa for 3 weeks (here's hoping that doesn't happen).

Here's what's gotta happen before I do: 1 week 1 day (or 9 hours of teaching) till term ends. Then I stick around for a week, because on the Sunday after I'm leading a Host Team in the evening and doing some worship with the kids work in the morning and I should probably be around for those. I have 2 essays to ideally finish before I go home, if not, at least make some serious headway on. Blah blah blah, yeah yeah yeah, boring. I also get to lead worship a whole load before I go home for a break from that business. I'm at the point now where I lead 2 or 3 times a week - at Celebrate Recovery* at CCK, which has been a real blessing and eye-opener to be involved with, at my small group most weeks, and at CU, where now that Jon Carroll, the other main worship leader, is now president, I lead a whole lot, or I get to be bringing people through, which is just as fun!

I say this all not to boast except to boast in the cross.

About a year ago, I felt hard done by if I had to lead more than twice in the same month. When I would get up to lead, I didn't feel particularly able or equipped, and struggled a whole lot with the whole thing. Looking back at how God used me, I am amazed that he did use me in the middle of some very patchy areas, only by his sheer grace was I able to point people to Jesus, the only one who can usher us into God's presence. Specifically, I remember in particular one Sunday when one of the elders had to both preach and lead worship. He had asked me to step up, and I knew God would have given me the grace and ability. But I said no. In short, there was a lot of stuff I said 'no' to I should've said 'yes' to, and a lot of stuff I said 'yes' to I should've said 'no' to.

BUT, by God's grace, this is learning. As part of worship leadership, as with any leadership of any size, I know that one day God will hold me accountable for the way I led back then. And it probably won't be great, which is why I can do nothing except to point to the cross. For whatever reason, God took a somewhat flaky, timid boy who couldn't really sing, and used him for his glory. A little bit like Gideon.

Anyway, enough of that. This week I've been songwriting a lot, which has been great. Some moody indie worship songs have come through, which is exciting. I can't wait to go back home and meet up with Alex and get some demos done up. I reckon I've got 10 (8 + an intro + a hymn), but a full-length might be a little bit premature right now. A boy can dream.

This Saturday, Tim Smith from Mars Hill is coming to speak at Worship School. I heard Tim preach when Driscoll was out of the pulpit (I love the internet), and he's a really good guy. I sort of aspire to be like him - good pastor, good songwriter, good beard. So I'll be taking notes like a massive geek through the whole thing and try blog them this weekend. Also, on Thursday I'm seeing Peter Doherty at the Brighton Dome, which should be an experience. He'll either be amazing, or completely off it - both of which would be entertaining. I'm excited. But not as excited as I am for Saturday, oddly.

All of this to say: this is what I've been meditating on lately. Psalm 34, "those who look to him are radiant / their faces are never covered with shame". In Uni work, out in the clubs, in every circumstance of life, there is radiance for those who will look to him. Their faces are never covered with shame - like Ps103, he does not treat us as our sins deserve. I'm not sure which of these is cause and effect - we are radiant, and he does not treat us as our sins deserve. No. He does not treat us as our sins deserve, our faces are never covered with shame, and because of this, we are radiant. All because we look to our God, and not ourselves. Or, if you're a Calvinist (which you should be), because God has turned our faces toward him. Hallelujah.